After my own year from hell, I’ve just finished a short break to Paris. Where I have done almost nothing. And am feeling the benefit from that both physically and mentally.
Pain from the strain
2014 has been one long pain in my backside.
It’s been an absolute cluster-f**ck. To recap, I left the UK for New Zealand, got caught in a situation, left New Zealand for the UK. Where I managed to find work just as the last of my money ran out. Fortunately, I’m now in a much better place.
But I’m still marked by my New Zealand experiences. It was the worst experience of my life and I was still dealing with my anger. Until recently.
Relaxing, Reflecting and coming to peace
Paris was good because I got to spend Christmas alone, away rom everything. Losing myself in the anonymity of a big city that has no personal baggage for me was bliss. I did whatever I felt like – which was mostly sleeping, light sightseeing and eating/drinking. My brain went into a semi-hibernation mode and, for the first time in month’s, I felt truly relaxed.
I was able to get to the root of my NZ experience: dehumanising. That label has been useful as it summarises all my feelings of frustration, powerlessness and anger at my treatment by some, frankly, mentally unwell people. Ironically, because of their dehumanising behaviours, I’ve been able to see it wasn’t personal. And I’ve found peace in that.
It’s not a complete peace. I still get flashback, anger and indulge in elaborate revenge fantasies (often involving pirhana traps). But these incidents are shorter and less intense. I feel like mentally, I am leaving NZ behind me.
Where next for kogblog?
Between now and 12th Jan, not much. I’ve got too much (mostly fun) stuff in the way, including lots of travel.I’ve picked my next marathon, in April, and will start planning my training.
One thing I’m also planning is to clean up my diet and stop drinking for 100-days. Junk food and booze are two crutches that’ve started to hurt my physical health while I used them to prop up my ropey mental health. So, I’ll start blogging about those changes too.
ill then, enjoy the rest of the Christmas break.