Should I give up running?
I’ve clearly had a lack of interest in it lately. Less then one month to go before the Connemarathon. I’ve got a severe case of can’t be arsed. Am I kidding myself about my running ambitions? Am I burning the candle at both ends and something’s going to have to give?
What’s holding me back
Perhaps it’s just me. Perhaps I just have a life that’s ill-suited to trying to keep running. For cost of living reasons, I stay outside of London. This means my average commute is 3 hrs – 90 minutes each way. Usually, that’s leaving between 6 and 7 am and getting home around 8, on a good day.
By the time dinner/domestics/etc is done, I’m knackered. I’ve looked at this before – trying to get up earlier and do the running in the morning. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don’t. I’ve looked at this from a few angles.
Recently, one of the projects at work has involved me doing something new. Something I’ve really had to invest a lot of time and energy. Professionally, it’s been very satisfying. IN fact, I can understand how some people talk about passion in their work now.
But there’s no fire in me for running. I don’t have any passion for it.
Am I giving up?
Primary reasons I got into running were:
- Stop smoking
- Lose weight
I’m still a non-smoker. However, my lack of exercise and change back to an unhealthy commuter lifestyle mean I’ve put on over 15kg in the last year. I’ve been subject to numerous injury – partly from lack of proper exercise, partly from badly fitting shoes caused by having odd-shaped feet. Sadly, I don’t really work in a role anymore that allows more comfortable shoes – such as hiking boots. Suited and booted.
Further, there’s been a lot of emotional stress the last year. Rationally, I’m aware that exercise can help with this. But the sheer relentless of it all – of the never-ending-ness of high stress, long hours at work, trying to manage my domestics – overwhelmed. I feel overwhelmed.
And exercise – running – is the easy thing to give up.
And yet, I feel guilty.
Guilt may be a consequence of of my behaviours. Of chasing not to take care of myself, of not running. But what is guilt? Not in the religious sense, but in the emotional sense. Our emotions are there for a reasons; to inform us about what’s going on in our psyches. Therefore, is the guilt there from abandoning my running or from lying to myself about how much I actually want to run.
Is the feeling of guilt because I am deceiving myself? That I truly don’t want to run. Or because I am not running? That’s a key question I need to unpick and answer. The guilt of not running – because I don’t want to run anymore or because I am not running?
Something to think about.